Ok, so I haven’ t posted about this at all because frankly I’ve been a bit embarrassed about it. I didn’t want to make any assumptions or demonstrate how truly awkward and romantically challenged I really am.

On the last day of my African Canadian Lit class, one of the guys I sometimes talked to came up to me and the conversation went like this:

Him: So, this is the last class. I guess I’ll never see you again.

Me: Oh, well, I’m apart of the BSA now, I’m getting the emails and everything so I’m sure I’ll see you at some of the events.

Him: No, that’s not what you were supposed to say.

Me: Huh?

Him: You’re supposed to give me your number.

Me: Oh. Um. Do you have a pen, I mean, I probably have a pen (blather, blather).

Him: Here (hands me his blackberry).

Me: Ok, here it is…how do you save it? Uh, yeah you can do it, I’m very technologically…slow.

First things first, I don’t like him. I thought the way he asked for my number was impressive. This could also be because no one (fucking random creepers who eye-rape you don’t count) has ever asked me for my number… I think he’s cool to talk to, and I’d honestly love to be his friend. Que all the guys who have gotten the ‘just friends’ line reading, “OH, SO YOUR THAT BITCH??” But the thing this has really made me realize is that even if this guy walked right out of that category in my imagination called ‘guys I’d love to screw’, I’d still rather be friends with him at this point. I’ve always told myself I want a real relationship, not the ‘for show’ shit or because I can’t be alone. A real relationship takes work and stability, and I am way too lazy and neurotic to be in one. I’d lose my mind or hurt myself or something. And I’m still afraid of boys.

He called a couple times over the holidays during inconvenient times so I missed his calls, but I did call him back because he called once while my mom had my phone, so I had to explain to everything to her and she made me feel super guilty and said I should call him back even though I didn’t feel that way. Specifically she said, “I thought your dad was a complete nerd at first, but we got married!” and I’m all, “Chill out, I’ll call him back… but I’m not going to marry him.” We talked, though I was actually really terrified he’d ask me out. He briefly hinted that he might’ve done that had I actually talked to him over the holidays and then I changed the subject.

I told two of my friends about it and one tried to convince me to “have fun with him” but when I flat out refused, they both agreed that I should do the friend thing. Normally I’d be thinking I’m getting ahead of myself by assuming he liked me, but he called me pretty in both the conversations we had and before it went further I changed the topic from his entirely subjective view of my appearance to more neutral things – like safe school!

I missed some more of his calls (not on purpose, I swear), so I called him once more on monday, and we talked. But he had something to do, so he asked me, “If I leave the conversation now, will you pick up the phone when I call?” and I go, “Yes.” But that turned out to be a lie, because he hadn’t called back an hour or so after he hung up and then I started thinking, “I’m tired…Hold up, am I really waiting for a guys phone call? Fuck that, I am going to bed!” So I turned off my phone and went to bed. So the guilt ate away at me again, so I called him today and left a message saying we should ‘get coffee or hang out’ I tried to sound as anti-flirty, opposite of minxy, and I want to be your friend-ly as possible. But I doubt he’ll call me back. Because I wouldn’t call me back, if I were him. Because if I were him, I wouldn’t be crazy.

It’s all very reminiscent of my peak romantic years in elementary school, where I would use boys that liked me and get them to buy me smarties on treat day (sorry Stephan), fill in answers on math speed tests (sorry Omid) and give them the runaround (sorry David). I was an elementary school coquette. Using my feminine wiles before I even knew the meaning of the word, until they realized I didn’t actually like them and stopped doing things for me. I have them on facebook and they’re all super hot now, and I’m…yeah. So yeah, clearly, karma has dealt me my romantic hand. As made apparent by my complete lack of romantic activity since then, also in the form of  my extreme awkwardness and this lame situation.

But see karma?? I’m not using him for anything! I’m trying to treat him like a human being!! Other girls have done worse! Cut me some fucking slack, that was like ten years ago! I paid some pretty embarassing and unmentionable dues in high school!